Wow

I almost don't want to say anything for fear that a new entry might interrupt the flow of this dialogue.  But, Jessica's last comment seemed to take the conversation around a corner for me, maybe for all of us:

singing is probably the number one way I express myself...I can't share it with my family, because...maybe I'd be seen as passionate or "womanly" by them, and for some reason that scares the crap out of me.

I also want to highlight something my sister (my real, blood sister, who grew up in the same house as me, babysat me and went on a graduation road trip to Seattle with me after high school) said. I think she may have pushed us towards that corner. She asked a question I think was in my heart and mind, but I was several steps away from being able to articulate it:

I think what makes us feel uncomfortable is that ever since Tahirih took off her veil 150 years ago, women have been trying to redefine femininity, and we're not quite there yet. I do think there must be some difference between masculine and feminine; after all, God created 2 sexes, and everything in creation somehow reflects a spiritual reality. The question is, what is that reality, or what do we want it to be?

God created 2 sexes, and everything in creation somehow reflects a spiritual reality. That's been floating through my head since I read it yesterday... God created 2 sexes...

I guess I'm in a place where I want femininity... whatever version of it we each subscribe to... to be something celebrated and not feared or degraded. I think that's why I'm so fascinated with this question.

Okay, more thoughts, please. There are some ladies and a whole lotta men we haven't heard from out there. (Thanks Lev for participating.) Anything that comes to mind, any gut responses, are still invited. Forget about any hesitation that political correctness might be expected. So, really just jump right in.  Keep leaving those pennies on the blog - they're adding up to something that just might make sense.

What is femininity?

Comments

[rebecca]

This is a non-comment to say that I'm still thinking about this topic but don't have enough time to articulate another response right now. Just want you to know the dialogue hasn't stopped yet.

[Mara]

Okay. If you check my name, my email comes up as "lafeministe" (embracing the French & the feminist in me). In college, the (small) campus could never quite figure out if I was a lesbian or not. And of course, I helped the debate by being the vp of our LGBU. To say that I dated would be a gross overstatement. I made it clear I didn't need men to be happy - or pretty much at all for that matter. I would be the single 'auntie' to other's kids. And I was actually pretty convinced that that was the truth.

I tell you this because then I fell in love. When I told a CLOSE friend that I was getting married, her response was: "You? Call me back in 3 months and let me know if it's really happening." That was a pretty typical response to my declaration. I could see it in people's eyes - "but you're a lesbian, aren't you?". Whatever. When I fell in love with Mark - really fell in love with him, I realized that I was whole, that it was safe to be whole - I could embrace all of me and that previously I had been a big defense mechanism to shield myself from the pain of thinking that I would be alone. I remember the moment I _physically_ felt the wall falling from around me. It was in the same moment that I could love my father, that it was okay, he hadn't ruined my life, here I was with a kind, generous, whole man who loved ME. [don't get the wrong idea, I wasn't abused, I thought I'd "marry my dad" - and that was something I knew I did NOT want to do].

Ever since I've been married (admittedly only 4 or so years), I've been able to allow myself to explore more of myself, to be less of that 'tough' exterior that's neither masculine or feminine, but just someone trying to make sure they won't be hurt by others. And in doing so, I think I've explored more of my 'femininity'. I just finished performing - DANCING - in two large productions here. Me. The techie. Like Jess, that somehow is an expression of my femininity. Perhaps all art is/can be such an expression. I don't know - me as an artist is a fairly unformed thought.... But I dress differently than when I was single - perhaps I'm older, in a real job, etc. I think of Ani Difranco's song "Evolve" ... oh, I love that song.

Sorry, I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, but it felt relevant, and it felt good to share.

[ekundayo]

I've been living under a rock- I didn't know this dialogue was going on until Jess used my computer to check up on it. It was urgent for her to see how the discourse was progressing. That says a lot.

Two things to add to the toolbox for self-introspection.

1) I cant believe no one has mentioned the two wings of one bird analogy. Thats truly incredible. Think about that in trying to unravel the mystery of what spiritual reality is being reflected. It has to do with function, it seems. Not even biological or social, but function in the task of making human kind fly. Whatever that means for you, think about that. I'm trying to now. (scrunches face up, makes "thinking" sound)

2) As a starting point to deconstructing your own stereotypes of femininity, think about your mother and sisters if you got any. I was very young when my mother explained with defiance and humor why she didn't scrape her legs with razors or stuff her toes into pointed high heeled fashion devices. Like as she explained this, I was pretty much eye level to confirm what she was saying. Thats how young I was. So this is why I give some of my close friends a hard time about the spike shoes and the hair straightening and so on. Don't sweat my talk, I'm just expressing some deeply held counter-conditioning. So my family & loved one derived feminine ideal has always been strong, truth telling, imbued with gravity, perceptive, in no way frail or meek, and full of knowledge. Sadly even those of us with such a image in one part of our brains get the programing from popular culture in there too. My point is that each of us has more than one woman pictured when we think of femininity. And they may flatly contradict. For every soul sista griot holding her heart above her head to shine on the garden of her life and promote photosynthesis, there's a super model walking around in my head to. And I do feel silly about it.

Further, it bears mentioning that both are images. And both, when misapplied to reality, make me guilty of limiting and boxing in humans with my expectations. and I'm sorry for that.

DON'T STOP NOW! WHOS NEXT?

[Sarah I]

Kari, I too am still mulling over this question. I am a girl/woman in a 'man's world' (tech industry) trying to be feminine, and I hope succeeding a bit. I will let you know more when I get over the flu.

[Jessica]

Yay Shannon! Thank you SO MUCH for being an advocate. Thank you.

Mara - Damn, I admire you.

After reading Shannon's post, and currently listening to India Arie, I have this incredibly strong urge to list all of the wonderful things that God, society, and I attribute to femininity.

1. strength - spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically
2. sensitivity
3. kindliness
4. appreciation of others
5. spiritual insight
6. empathy
7. determination
8. purity of intention
9. being service oriented

To answer you question, Kari - to me, these are the attributes associated with true femininity.

[Mara]

I admire you, too, Jessica.

Thank you, all, for this discussion. I'd been struggling to understand some of who I've become since getting married, and this helped me put it into a positive framework.

[mahtab]

so i've not commented because i don't want to write and write and write a novel, but one thought in addition to what has already been mentioned: to me the link between femininity and motherhood is also pivotal. women create and nurture new humans. ani d. said it better than me:
these businessmen got the money
they got the instruments of death
but i can make life
i can make breath

[delara]

in the interest of supporting shannon's comment "DON'T STOP NOW! WHOS NEXT?" - i've posted a few humble thoughts from my correspondence with kari on this topic on my blog... http://lay-c.com/delara/archives/001572.html

most influential in my reading these days is rainer maria rilke, a german poet in the late 1800s and early 1900s. here's an excerpt from one of his letters:

"And perhaps the sexes are more related than we think, and the great renewal of the world will perhaps consist in this, that man and maid, freed of all false feelings and reluctances, will seek each other not as opposites, but as brother and sister, as neighbors and will come together as human beings, in order simply, seriously and patiently to bear in common the difficult sex that has been laid upon them."

in this context - along with the analogy of "two wings of a bird," what is the spiritual reality of a maidservant, the female wing? what are the qualities that make a maidservant feminine? what is it about woman that sets her apart from man, that makes her different in quality or character? what is our "otherness" that is attractive?

read on...http://lay-c.com/delara/archives/001572.html

[delara]

and, btw, rock on, mahtab! i think you hit it right on, via ani d. nice...

[kari]

What is our otherness? That's the million dollar question.